Read this adventure log out loud in the tone of Doung Lauriel creating a coupley answering machine message. You’ll thank us later
An audio version of this adventure log can be found here
Our adventurers, Frank, Samaya and Naesala were lost in Undermountain, a collection of tunnels underneath the great city of Waterdeep. They had entered through the Yawning Portal Inn and needed to find their way back to their entrance to escape. They encountered a suspicious elf with two growling humans but they cleverly decided to leave them be. Unfortunately though, they went down a dead end and found some lizardfolk harassing an elf. They killed the lizardfolk with some difficulty and the elf escaped before the end of the battle and so avoided questioning. A weird little fountain was at the end of the hallway. It had three streams, and the middle seemed blocked. The adventurers discovered that there was a small piece of paper lodged within the middle tube. Their first attempt involved taking a bone from the lizard creature and trying to pry it out. It was pushed further up the tube. Then Samaya decided to block the tubes either side of the blocked tube and the pressure pushed it out. Samaya picked up the paper and discovered a map of the first level of Undermountain. It disintegrated within moments (precisely 30 seconds) and they were left with nothing. After all that. But they did get a look at a map that was so ridiculously huge and complicated that they couldn’t even determine where the hell they were.
Injured from their encounter, our adventurers slept in a corner near the dead lizardfolk and swamp they had created. When they awoke they travelled east and found a large open room with a headless statue in the middle of the space with its arms flung wide. They tried their very best to determine if there was anything unusual happening with the statue. It was just a statue. From many exits, they chose one leading south and encountered a horde of human bandits accompanied by two elves that were using a captured half-elf as trap bait. Upon entering the room, Frank the barbarian roared at the bandits and they surrendered unconditionally. Our adventurers rescued the traumatised half-elf and took her with them on their travels. Unfortunately, the half-elf was freaking out and couldn’t even manage to communicate. The ever so wise Samaya slapped her in the face and she regained some of senses, but quickly fell into unconsciousness, or at least pretended to do so.
Then on our adventurers’ exciting travels, they came across an extremely suspicious piece of paper slap bang in the middle, which here means – so perfectly centred that even the most severe sufferers of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder would feel an eerie sense of calm – of an otherwise empty room. Similarly to the statue, they performed several perception and arcana checks on the perfectly placed piece of paper. This even involved throwing rocks at it. Nothing happened, though the paper was no longer perfectly placed, and it was a bit rumpled. They eventually discovered that the piece of paper may be trapped. After more checks, they determined that the paper might be able to be disabled, maybe, perhaps, possibly, with another arcana check. Following another possibly successful arcana check, the paper might have been safe to read, however Samaya was still wary and tried to convince Frank to pick it up. He did not as he was disinterested in a stupid little piece of paper in the middle of a stupid little room. Good on you Frank. Frustrated, Samaya promptly picked up the no longer perfectly placed piece of paper and discovered that it was another copy of the same map of Undermountain which also disintegrated within moments (precisely 30 seconds). Because they’d found the big ass hall, she managed to locate their position and, for some unknown reason, decided to head north east. Heading in this direction, they encountered a series of stationary Drow standing in silent solidarity around an elf on a sacrificial alter. It is at this point that the adventurers begin to realise that Undermountain is fricking weird. Frank, however, is too busy charging at the central Drow, wielding a dagger over the sacrifice, to notice the unusual quirks of the situation. His aim was abhorrent, in fact so bad that he did no damage but still released her from her stationary silence. The Drow, pissed, turned around attacked every single adventurer at once with her lightning attack. This immobilised all adventurers and gave them ongoing lightning damage. It was only after two of these attacks, that Samaya was brought to an untimely demise. After a few more attacks, Frank and Naesala realised the futility of their attacks and fled back the way they came, leaving Samaya’s cold, dead, rotting, soon to be Kruthik-ridden corpse staring into space with sightless eyes behind.
Speaking of Kruthiks, Frank, Naesala and their new randomly-appeared acquaintance Enna were set upon by Kruthiks after having fled the Drow and attempted to rest and recuperate from the encounter. The adventurers soon discovered that even little six-legged lizards are hard to kill in Undermountain. It took an embarrassingly long time to bloody one, at which point the adventurers realised that all the Kruthiks wanted were to get past the adventurers, so Naesala gracefully and magnanimously decided to lose consciousness to allow the Kruthiks to crawl over his prone body, leaving them to rest again. Continuing north, they eventually encountered a large and deep chasm that ruptured the ground between them and an area that they recognised from when they entered Undermountain. The chasm was filled with various horrors of the slimy and batty variety, so they came up with a plan to travel above the chasm to the other side and to reach the exit. Enna remembered stairs that lead up from the big ass hall and so the party ventured back there and ascended the staircase.
At the top of the stairs, our adventurers discovered a small alcove, with a bag chucked in the corner. Not unlike the paper, the group was immediately suspicious. The bag, it turned out, was only a bag. It did, however, contain funds desperately needed for food and another, equally suspicious, piece of paper. Like the two before it, it was a map. It disintegrated within moments (precisely 30 seconds). This time the party actually managed to determine what they believed was a path to their final destination, before the paper disintegrated within moments (precisely 30 seconds). And so the party, led by an overly confident Enna, ventured back northwards and successfully found the location at which they entered Undermountain, unfortunately they were too stupid to remember what to do with the bucket attached to rope. On a whim, Enna tugged on the rope three times and it was lifted, to be returned with a note saying ’10 gold pieces’. They complied, putting 10 gold pieces in the bucket and it was lifted and returned with more rope and stirrups which allowed the adventurers to escape back to the Yawning Portal Inn, with their half-elf companion who was still, to their knowledge, pretending to be unconscious. She may, however, have been dead. They weren’t very bright.